Missing the Man

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, not really sure it that is a good or bad thing. I miss my husband, but not the man that he has become. I don’t honestly know who he is anymore or how we got to his point. When we first met, I didn’t expect to fall in love with him at all. He wasn’t that attractive, he used people, he was a party boy, and had no sense of responsibility among other things. Somehow though he managed to win my heart. He allowed me to just be me with him and he made me feel so special, in a crowded room I was so lost in him that I didn’t notice anyone else. I remember one time he was at a football party, he had been drinking all day and wanted me to come hang out with him that night. He texted me all day to make sure I was coming, he even ruined his phone by dropping it in soda and had my number memorized he borrowed someone else’s phone to make sure I came. I am not really the party type, honestly I am a homebody. I told him that if I got home and he didn’t bug me I was not going to be able to motivate myself to leave, and I love that he listened to me. He made my step outside my bubble. I let him in on my deep dark secrets (which looking back now I regret, the addict in him used that information against me and to hurt me), I told him little corky things about me that no one knew. Like the fact that I had bought a wedding dress and I use to try it on, because even though I didn’t have anyone in my life it made me feel better about myself. Every girl talks about how beautiful she feels on her wedding day in her wedding dress, how could you every feel bad or ugly when you are wearing a wedding dress. It made me feel better. My husband had a way to get me out of my shell and to just allow me to be comfortable with just me. Our relationship started out so brutally honest it was perfect, he was truly my best friend. We would go to bed at like 730-800 every night and just spend hours lying in bed, listening to music, and laughing. I thought I had found my soulmate. But then the drugs took over. I didn’t know that it was drugs at the time thought, I was so lost and confused. He would start arguments with me and make it seem like everything was my fault. He lied and about everything. There is honestly so much that went on back then that I don’t ever want to relive. Looking back I should have known, the signs were all there. Why did I honestly hold on as long as I did? Why did I allow myself to go though as much pain and agony as he put me though? Why do I still love and miss him as much as I do? Why can’t he just love me as much and as honestly as I love him? I had blocked my husband from being able to contact me, it’s what I had to do for my own sanity. I recently unblocked him. Why you ask? I know that he is still doing drugs and chances are that is not going to change, at least not any time soon, but part of me wants to know that he is still thinking about me. I want to know that all the hurt and pain I went through wasn’t for nothing. I want to know that he does love me and I do matter. My marriage is a joke, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t take it seriously. I have stood by my husband though thick and thin, most of the time he didn’t deserve it, but I was there. I have been doing some reading, not much because between work, school, and the kids I am just down right tired, but I am learning that maybe I am just a codependent person. Think I need to do some more research before I begin to discuss this concept, but the way I am and have been doesn’t seem to be fixing his or my problems. I am not happy and I have been trying to make him happy for far too long. I have been trying so hard to fix him and help him and make him happy, that I have lost myself in the mix. I know that I can’t save my husband but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that I couldn’t I have done everything in my power to do so. I don’t know where my husband is or what he is doing anymore, but I do know that he is not doing the right thing. If he was I know husband and things would not be the way they are with us. I love a man that I am not sure that even exists and I hold on to hope that he is still there, but the long and longer this goes on I wonder what I even have left to hold on to.