Introduction

Hello, my name is Beth. I am 27 years old, married with two kids. I have a six year old girl, Cheyanne, and my husband and I have a 9 month old boy, Kylan. My husband is an addict. He has been for over 10 years. Last year in August he went to a rehab was clean for a while. Being married to an addict is definitely a struggle. My husband has recently relapsed. On September 4th, I woke him for a piece of paper I needed for our children’s health insurance, well that resulted in him choking me. I called the cops and days later on Tuesday September 8th DSS showed up at my door and wanted to take my children from not just him, but me as well. DSS told me that I was a victim and could not protect myself so how was I supposed to protect my children. That night while in tears, I came up with a safety plan with DSS and signed my children away to my parents. I stayed that first night at my parents with my kids. The next day after I got off work I was on the way to my parents to be with my kids when my mom had my daughter call me and tell me I was not allowed to come see or stay with them that night. That was my first night away from my baby boy (who was and is actively nursing). It was truly the hardest night of my life I didn’t sleep, I cried A LOT. I am very thankful to have some amazing friends though. My friend Christy and her husband talked me through a lot and my friend Amanda allowed me to stay the night with her. The next day first thing in the morning I went and sat all day at DSS waiting for someone to talk to me. So after a very long day, it turns out that safety plans are and optional thing and without a court order DSS cannot take your kids away. They made me involuntarily voluntarily sign my kids over to my parents. We could not come up with a safety plan that we could agree upon, mainly because they only wanted me to sign them over to my parents who wanted to dictate when I could and could not see my kids. DSS and I departed that night with them telling me that they were going to EPC my children. So I took my kids and moved into a domestic violence shelter. We stayed there for a month, that place is nice for security purposes; however, has a lot to work on. For one the place was disgusting, I have a baby who is crawling and could not put him down because of the filth. The place was full of several other people, some of which were addicts. So I took my children out of a house with my addicted husband and moved them into a place that was filthy and had more addicts. I would leave during the day for work or school and come back to find pills in the bed that my children sleep in or pills on the floor, this was not at all acceptable conditions. We stayed there though because at least at the end of the day my babies were with me. Finally in October, the kids and I went home, only because my husband was not there and he was supposed to be turning himself in to law enforcement. He did not turn himself in, which honestly should not have come to a surprise to me. I have had to change the dead bolts to the door so he cannot get in, but who am I kidding if he wants in he will find a way. I have to check the house every night to make sure he is not here. I look out the windows before we leave the house to make sure he is not outside. Now don’t get me wrong I do love my husband, but when he is on drugs he is capable of anything. Back when we first got married, I realized the extent of his drug problem. He came home one night, accused me of cheating (when he is using he gets extremely paranoid and always tries to accuse me of cheating) well I answer his questions and show him my proof. Well with this I honestly have no idea how it progressed, but next thing I know I am push up against the door with his hand in and on my mouth, I am crying that I can’t breathe, and that I am pregnant (which I had just found out and told him the day before). I am fighting scared for my life, I had never realized that he could be this person and did not know how far he would take it. He knocks me to the floor and continues to hold his hand over/in my mouth, as I look down the hall I see my daughter sitting up staring at me unsure of what to do. I felt like such a horrible person, how I could get myself into this situation let alone let my child witness it. As I lay there looking into the eyes of a man that was supposed to love me I saw only hatred, this is what the drug do to the ones we love. After this a few other incident me and my husband split up. We began our split up by him emptying out my bank account, which resulted in me being evicted. So here I am pregnant and with a child now with no money and nowhere to live. My dad did help me out of this situation, he put a deposit down on an apartment for me and even cosigned. I began rebuilding my life. In August my husband called me he was going through detox and looking to go to a long term rehab (which was one of my requirements if he wanted to be there for our son being born and part of his life.) Honestly that phone calls was the best one I could have ever gotten I had such hope and I was so proud of him. He got into a rehab program and I was there for him supporting him the whole way. I answered every phone call no matter what time of day or night it was or how tired I was and I never missed a single visit. I did everything I was supposed to and could do to help him and he was doing so well. He was able to come and see my and even stay with me while our son was born and went back to rehab from the hospital. He stayed there for a few months and then finally came home in mid-February. I was not honestly expecting him home until March 1st, but he said he was ready. We originally agreed on March 1st because my lease was up and my maternity leave was ending, and since I had worked 60-72 hours the entire time we had been together and worked those hours all though my pregnancy all the way up until the day I had the baby, I didn’t want to work that much I had missed so much with my daughter and I wanted to be with my kids some. He had already taken so much for me and this was something that I truly needed. Well now that he is using again it’s my fault, because I forced him to come home before he was ready and I did this and I did that. He gets a VA check for his disability (drug addiction) which pays our rent, so he is paying all the bills so he says and this and that all so I don’t have to work so much so I can be with the kids, he is doing all this for me and I am just such a horrible wife. I know that in the last couple months I was not the most loving and affectionate wife, but there were reasons. He isolated himself from the kids and I, he was lying about everything, money was disappearing, and I found stuff that pointed to drug use. I tried to confront these issues and talk to him even went as far as talking to the rehab he was at (he still volunteered there), they told me that I knew him the best and if signs pointed to him using then he was. He denied and denied and lied and lied, I don’t know what more I could have done to try and get him back on the right track. He said he couldn’t do things because of the kids so I found them daycare and he didn’t have to deal with them at all. He said he wanted a family but refused to be nice to us or spend any time us. He said he wanted to feel useful and since has the VA disability he cannot work so I pointed him in the direction of volunteer opportunities. He did nothing and this is somehow all my fault. I was a horrible wife and I must be cheating and I did this and I did that. It took him until last week to finally admit that he was using again, I was not an idiot there was THOUANDS of dollars missing over the last few months, he kicked in doors at the house, tried to break my cell phone, track marks on his arm, the babies piggy bank was left with only pennies, and items were missing never his though (sold to the pawn shop). Today is his birthday, today my husband is 32 years old. I am debating whether to text him or not for his birthday, I have been strong and am ignoring him (which honestly pisses him off.) I feel bad if I don’t acknowledge his birthday, but I am afraid of what one simple text could result in from him. Being the wife of an addict is truly not an easy task, I love my husband very much, but I do not like who he choose to be or his actions. And yes, he is an addict and it is a disease; however, my husband weather he chooses to or not is responsible for his actions.. I am not sure what the future hold for us or for my children, but I will not settle anymore my children deserve better, I deserve better.